Daze of our lives

The other night at a dinner party, someone turned to Saffy and asked her what she would do if she knew she had only one day left to live.

            Now, if you were to ask most people that question, I’ll bet the mood will turn philosophical and wistful. Perhaps they’ll smile and say something naff like “I’d go hang-gliding”, or “I’d spend it with my dog”.

            Saffy’s eyes widened and her famous bosom inflated to maximum capacity. “Why? What’s going to happen? What do you know? Oh my God, are you staring at my BREASTS AGAIN?” Conversation at the table came to a complete standstill as every head swiveled around in her direction.

            The poor guy who asked the question turned bright pink, and started sputtering, “Yes, uh, no! I mean I was, but I’m not...”

Amanda later said it was one of those questions that you can’t just say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to: kind of like “Have you stopped abusing your wife and children?” And with everyone alternately looking at him and peering sideways at Saffy’s breasts, her dinner companion – Amanda’s very distinguished professor of law, as it turned out – found himself completely unable to explain himself.

            Saffy was unrepentant. “What a stupid question to ask me! What would I do if I knew I only had one day left to live? Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t have been sitting next to that Dodo at that boring dinner!”

            The air turned icy. “It was my birthday dinner, Saffy,” Amanda said, her lips tight.

            “And thank you very much for sitting me next to Professor Dumbo-bore!” Saffy said, completely unmoved.

            Still, the question fully occupied my attention for days. People are always talking about their bucket list – things they want to do, or plan to do if they ever found the time, money or opportunity.

            Barney Chen said he’d be spending his last day at the gym. “Because I’m going to have an open casket at my funeral,” he said and added shyly, “I’m going to wear a super tight t-shirt and I want people to say, as they pass my coffin, ‘Man, he looked good for his age.’”

            Amanda raised an eyebrow. “In that case, you might as well be topless! Or nude!” You could tell by Barney’s distant stare that he’d not thought of this sartorial alternative.

            Sharyn says she would leave her children. “Cannot tahan ah, I tell you! Morning wake up, they’re screaming. Night time, still screaming. My mudder, hor, she say, ‘Who ask you get married?’ Aiyoh, why I don’t listen to her?”

Meanwhile, my mother says it might be fun to be in a threesome, a sentiment that shocked my sister so much she was unable to speak for two days. “What sort of a thing is that to say to your children?” Michelle demanded when she regained partial control of her vocal chords. “I can’t even imagine her doing it with Daddy, never mind with a third party! It’s not wonder my therapist says I have issues! When your mother talks like this in public, how could you not have issues?” she croaked.

Personally, I’ll be booking myself onto a first class trip to New York on a Singapore Airlines A380 plane. The idea of being waited on hand and foot, in a nice comfy bed with fluffy white linen, just me and a glass of champagne for 17 hours just seems incredibly blissful. No email access, no phone calls, and hopefully, no screaming baby in the next cabin to disturb my KrisWorld entertainment. I would die happy.

When I told Saffy and Amanda my earthly exit plan, it was met with complete silence.

“What?” I said eventually.

“I cannot believe…” Saffy began.

“That you would spend your last day without us!” Amanda finished.

“Do you have any idea how hurtful that is?”

“But I’ll already be spending my second last day with you!” I protested.

“That’s such a typical male thing to say. That’s just the sort of thing you would say when your mistress discovers you in bed with your wife!” Saffy huffed.

I told her that made no sense at all.

“Well, it does to me!” Amanda snapped. “I guess that’s settled then, Saffy. You and I will be spending our last day together.

Saffy looked a little embarrassed. “Well, uhm, I was thinking that maybe I might get married to Brad!” she began and then went on in a rush. “We marry in the afternoon, have a party and then later that night, I die in his arms! It would be so romantic!”

Amanda says she’s always known that she would die alone.