People tend to
go a little funny when you tell them you’re doing up your will.
“Oh dear, everything is ok, isn’t
it?” they lean in and ask anxiously, their eyes bright with sympathy.
“I’m dying!” Saffy once said dramatically. By the time Sharyn had stopped
crying hysterically, Saffy added, “Well, I’m not dying immediately, but it’s going to happen eventually!”
“Choy!” Sharyn shouted. “Where got
such thing, one, tell people you’re dying? Aiyoh, give me heart attack, ah, I
tell you!”
“All the more reason to do your
will, in that case!” Saffy said triumphantly.
Ever practical, Amanda can’t
understand what the fuss is all about. “Everyone should get their will done up.
These days, you never know. You could step out of a restaurant and get run over
by a bus!”
“And imagine if you’d been trying to
lose weight and all you had for lunch was a salad!” Saffy added with a shiver
of horror.
The other day, my friend Jeremy
posted on Facebook an article about this 30 something year old woman in London
who was discovered in her flat three years after she’d died. Apparently, the TV
was still on and no one had smelt her decomposing body because the windows of
her flat opened over a rubbish tip, so no one could tell. By the time the
landlord broke down the door to demand his three years of back rent, the woman,
still sitting in her sofa in her living room, had become a skeleton.
The fate of the poor woman fully
occupied our attention for days. Saffy couldn’t understand how in three years no
one even bothered to find out what had happened to their friend. “I mean, look
at this picture of her! She’s so pretty! Three years is a long time not to catch
up with someone! What was wrong with her friends?”
It didn’t take a genius to guess
from Saffy’s hunted eyes that she was thinking that if someone so pretty could
be completely overlooked for three years, how much longer would it take to discover the skeleton of someone who was
considerably less pretty?
“I hope she at least had a will!”
Amanda said.
“If she was three years behind in
her rent, I really doubt she had much money to start with!” Saffy said,
completely forgetting that the woman had been very much dead during those three years.
Later that afternoon, Barney Chen
dropped by for coffee and was brought up to date with the issue currently
obsessing us. “This is why I have a morning buddy!” he growled in his bass
baritone.
Amanda hesitated. “Uhm…is that like
a…uhm…a friend with benefits?”
“No, that’s a fu…”
I coughed loudly.
“A morning buddy,” Barney said with
a smirk, “is when you’re single and you live alone and this person calls you
every morning just to check that you’re still alive. My morning buddy is my
mother! She calls me every morning at 7.30. Her morning buddy is her sister, my
Auntie Ming and I’m Auntie Ming’s morning
buddy. It’s a closed loop system,” he said with satisfaction.
Amanda later said at least a morning
buddy was one thing we didn’t need right now. “God, imagine living alone and
then dying and no one knows…”
“Or cares,” Saffy added darkly.
A few days ago, my mother rang and
announced that she and my father were redoing their wills. “Would you like us
to leave you anything specific, Jason, dear?” Mother asked in the same kind of
tone you use to ask someone if they would like another slice of cake.
“I don’t want any of the
silverware!” I said firmly. “Or any of the dusty Persian rugs.”
Saffy popped her head in my room. “Tell
her you’ll take the cash!” she hissed.
I cupped a hand over the speaker and
yelled, “Stop listening to my private conversations!”
“God, that’s so rude!” she said as
she flounced off. “See if I’m going to discover you in the morning!”
Meanwhile, my mother was still
rabbiting on who she was going to leave her precious bed linen and vintage
Balenciagas to. “It’ll be all wasted on your sister. She only wears Zara!”
Michelle later said she couldn’t
think of anything more ghoulish than inheriting your parents’ bed linen. “Just
the possibility that those might have been the very sheets you were conceived on! Oh my God, can you imagine
the ick factor?”
Saffy says that even if she made a
will, she’d have nothing to leave anyone, anyway, so what was the point? But to
be on the safe side, she’s now sleeping with her bedroom door wide open. “Check
in on me each morning!”
5 comments:
Jason! When are you going to publish another book? I just got reminded when I saw what Barney said about his Fu... buddy and I remembered his escapades in the first 2 books and I'm eager for a third book! Its long overdue :)
Yes Jason! Please do consider publishing your third book. I am a huge fan and I can personally relate to your stories. Being a single male and getting older...not fun. Although your stories are very funny and witty, there is always an underlying message that is meaningful! Looking forward to more of your witty insights. It would be great if you can put it into a book! Cheers!
The publishers don't think there's much of a demand, i'm afraid. plus, those books, slim though they are, take forever to write, and the financial return is pitiful. much more rewarding to just do these posts! JH
Such a shame about that Jason.. While I really enjoy seeing your updates online, its quite different from the joy of holding a book and carting it around. I'm oldschool that way! :)
I don't even mind that your books might be a compilation of these existing posts or edited to form a more cohesive story! That probably just goes to show how appreciative I am. lol.
I do hope that eventually you might do a small independent run for your merry gang of supporters out here. You know you have my support! :)
ps. Get Saf and Amanda to help convince the publisher :p
Yes, I do not mind even if it is just a compilation. I am old school as well. My frens simply love your posts.
But if it is not a workable solution, I will be contented if you were to keep these posts coming in!
It is actually "chicken soup" for the mind :)
Cheers!
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