The break up of any relationship is difficult. Just ask Tayor Swift.
Not only do you have to deal with the pain and the heartache, you have to put up with the sympathetic looks from friends, and clucking of your parents. And if you’re even remotely famous, literally the whole world is watching the trainwreck of your relationship.
“Well, not literally the whole world, surely?” Amanda said the other day. She and Saffy were on the couch, separated by a pile of trashy magazines, all of which seemed to have Brad and Angelina on the cover.
Saffy sighed. “It might as well be the whole world! I mean, look at this. You can’t pick up a magazine without those two on the cover!”
“I still can’t believe it’s at an end,” Amanda said as she flipped the pages of The National Enquirer. She twirled a strand of hair around her index finger. “I was really rooting for them. Their poor kids.”
“Poor me!” Saffy stressed, her lips pursed in dissatisfaction. “If they couldn’t make it with all those millions, then what hope is there for the rest of us?”
Amanda frowned. “I don’t think having millions is a prerequisite to a happy marriage.”
“Not according to all the statistics,” Saffy pointed out. “I read somewhere that one of the top five things that couples argue about is money!”
On Facebook, Barney Chen changed his profiled picture of Barbra Streisand and Patrick Wilson to all black. “I am in mourning!” he announced in one post, which he then followed up with a flurry of commemorative posts of Brad without his shirt on in ‘Thelma and Louise’ and ‘Troy’, and stills of Angelina in ‘Malificent’.
Amanda’s friend Debbie said she didn’t understand why people were so distraught. “It only goes to show that Hollywood people are just like us! They’re human! And humans get divorced!” And just to prove the point that the universe is always listening, a few days later, came news that Debbie had broken up with her boyfriend of six years.
“Oh, no, they didn’t!” Amanda gasped when she got a Whatsapp text from Debbie. She scrolled through the message and gasped again. And again. “Good God!”
“You’re killing me with the suspense!” Saffy told her. “What happened?”
“Debbie broke up with Kien!”
Saffy paused. “Isn’t he that gorgeous gym instructor?”
“That’s the one,” Amanda murmured, as she scrolled up and down her phone.
“But they’ve been dating for like a million years!”
“Six actually, but yes, I get your point,” Amanda said, finally looking up from her phone. “Well, today is Monday, right? On Saturday, Kien threw Debbie a surprise birthday party…”
“How come we weren’t invited?” Saffy wanted to know, looking seriously put out.
“You really need to focus, Saf.”
“Yesterday, she flew to Bangkok for work. And this morning, Kien sent her a Facebook message saying he was breaking up with her!”
Silence settled over the room. Saffy cocked her head. “Wait,” she said, finally. “He…What?...But he…Why…”
Amanda nodded with satisfaction. “That’s exactly how Debbie if feeling right now.”
Saffy looked amazed. “I thought this sort of thing only happened on TV! Remember when Burger broke up with Carrie on a Post-It note?”
“God, that episode scarred me. To this day, it’s why I don’t have any Post-It pads in the flat.”
For days, it’s all the girls have been able to talk about, though the consensus is that at least Kien had the decency to break up on Messenger.
“So terrible!” Sharyn clucked in sympathy.
“Imagine if he’d actually posted ‘I’m sorry, but it’s not working out!’ on her wall!” Saffy said.
Amanda shuddered. “Taylor Swift would write an album!”
“Men are such pigs!” Saffy spat.
I coughed. In response, Amanda looked at me severely. “The jury is still out on you, buddy!”
Barney Chen says the world is becoming more and more rotten. “Whatever happened to old fashioned human decency? Who breaks up on Facebook?” His baritone rumbled in judgement.
“Kien Wong, that’s who,” I told him.
“I never did like him,” Barney said piously. “He always seemed a little, I don’t know…smug!”
Of course, it hasn’t helped that we’ve since discovered that for at least the past three months, Kien has been secretly bonking the 25-year-old aqua-aerobics instructor as his gym.
“Pigs!” Saffy repeated. I didn’t like the way she looked at me when she said it.