The other night
at a dinner party, someone turned to Saffy and asked her what she would do if
she knew she had only one day left to live.
Now, if you were to ask most people
that question, I’ll bet the mood will turn philosophical and wistful. Perhaps
they’ll smile and say something naff like “I’d go hang-gliding”, or “I’d spend
it with my dog”.
Saffy’s eyes widened and her famous
bosom inflated to maximum capacity. “Why? What’s going to happen? What do you
know? Oh my God, are you staring at my BREASTS AGAIN?” Conversation at the
table came to a complete standstill as every head swiveled around in her
direction.
The poor guy who asked the question
turned bright pink, and started sputtering, “Yes, uh, no! I mean I was, but I’m not...”
Amanda later said it was one of those questions
that you can’t just say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to: kind of like “Have you stopped
abusing your wife and children?” And with everyone alternately looking at him
and peering sideways at Saffy’s breasts, her dinner companion – Amanda’s very
distinguished professor of law, as it turned out – found himself completely
unable to explain himself.
Saffy was unrepentant. “What a
stupid question to ask me! What would I do if I knew I only had one day left to
live? Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t have been sitting next to that Dodo at
that boring dinner!”
The air turned icy. “It was my birthday dinner, Saffy,” Amanda said,
her lips tight.
“And thank you very much for sitting
me next to Professor Dumbo-bore!” Saffy
said, completely unmoved.
Still, the question fully occupied
my attention for days. People are always talking about their bucket list –
things they want to do, or plan to do if they ever found the time, money or
opportunity.
Barney Chen said he’d be spending
his last day at the gym. “Because I’m going to have an open casket at my
funeral,” he said and added shyly, “I’m going to wear a super tight t-shirt and
I want people to say, as they pass my coffin, ‘Man, he looked good for his
age.’”
Amanda raised an eyebrow. “In that
case, you might as well be topless! Or nude!”
You could tell by Barney’s distant stare that he’d not thought of this
sartorial alternative.
Sharyn says she would leave her
children. “Cannot tahan ah, I tell you! Morning wake up, they’re screaming.
Night time, still screaming. My mudder, hor, she say, ‘Who ask you get married?’
Aiyoh, why I don’t listen to her?”
Meanwhile, my
mother says it might be fun to be in a threesome, a sentiment that shocked my
sister so much she was unable to speak for two days. “What sort of a thing is
that to say to your children?” Michelle demanded when she regained partial control
of her vocal chords. “I can’t even imagine her doing it with Daddy, never mind with a third party! It’s not wonder my
therapist says I have issues! When your mother talks like this in public, how
could you not have issues?” she
croaked.
Personally, I’ll be booking myself onto a first
class trip to New York on a Singapore Airlines A380 plane. The idea of being
waited on hand and foot, in a nice comfy bed with fluffy white linen, just me
and a glass of champagne for 17 hours just seems incredibly blissful. No email
access, no phone calls, and hopefully, no screaming baby in the next cabin to
disturb my KrisWorld entertainment. I would die happy.
When I told Saffy and Amanda my earthly exit plan,
it was met with complete silence.
“What?” I said eventually.
“I cannot believe…” Saffy began.
“That you would spend your last day without us!”
Amanda finished.
“Do you have any idea how hurtful that is?”
“But I’ll already be spending my second last day with you!” I protested.
“That’s such a typical male thing to say. That’s
just the sort of thing you would say when your mistress discovers you in bed
with your wife!” Saffy huffed.
I told her that made no sense at all.
“Well, it does to me!” Amanda snapped. “I guess
that’s settled then, Saffy. You and I will be spending our last day together.
Saffy looked a little embarrassed. “Well, uhm, I
was thinking that maybe I might get married to Brad!” she began and then went
on in a rush. “We marry in the afternoon, have a party and then later that
night, I die in his arms! It would be so
romantic!”
Amanda says she’s always known that she would die
alone.
1 comment:
Merry Christmas Jason, Amanda and Saffy! Have a blessed Christmas and a great year ahead!
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