Dreamworks

Regular readers will know that one of the great regrets of my life is that my parents never sent me to tennis camp when I was a kid. I could have been sitting on a few Grand Slams, not to mention several multi-million dollar Rolex endorsements, by now. Well, I could have, if it weren’t for the slight problem of my non-existent hand-eye coordination.

Instead, our parents kept my brother and sister and me at home during our school vacations and forced us to prep for the following year’s syllabus. All our lives, my siblings and I have nursed a simmering resentment at the waste of our potential.

“I can scream just as loud as Maria Sharapova!” my sister will tell complete strangers at parties. My brother Jack thinks it’s tragic that Michelle remains clueless as to why she leaves these parties with so many phone numbers from intrigued men.

The other great regret in my life is that my parents weren’t more encouraging about sending me to film school. Some people grow up wanting to become an astronaut, while others dream of finding the cure for cancer. One of the kids I was at school with was obsessed by computers. Annoyingly, he ended up writing an anti-virus programme that’s made him a bazillion dollars.

What is the point of going to film school, you ask? Well, for starters, I would be watching movies and TV all day. And being paid for it.

“Is that even a career?” Michelle asked once.

“Sure it is,” I said with authority. “That’s all the film critic at 8DAYS does all day! She flies all over the world to attend film premieres, and gets to meet all the movie stars and then she gets to trash the movies in her scathing reviews. It’s the best job ever!”

“I’ll tell you what’s the best job ever for you,” Michelle said. “Being a security guard on the night shift.”
            I paused. “Uhm, why?”

“Well, you’re an insomniac and you love watching TV, so what’s not to love?”

I was impressed. “God, I could watch all the TV I want, while I was working!”
            “Exactly. In fact, it’s even better than being a film critic because you don’t have to actually write anything because your real job is to press a button to raise and lower the security barrier!” Michelle looked radiant.

You can tell that despite our fatally expensive education, our parents raised three children with very low expectations when it came to job satisfaction.

Meanwhile, it looks as if I’m slightly over-qualified to be a security guard. So I’ve done the next best thing. The other day, I signed up for Netflix. For a ridiculously low monthly rental, I get to watch all the TV and movies I want at any time of the day. It’s so amazing. It’s like being a diabetic who’s let loose in a candy store. I don’t think I emerged from my room for the first 24 hours that I signed up.

Which is quite apt because I spent the entire time watching ‘24’.

“Uhm, isn’t that like a million years old?” Saffy said as she watched me drag myself to the fridge for some milk for my cereal. “Your eyes are all bloodshot and you’ve got these really ugly dark bags under them.”

“Oh my God, what have I been doing the entire time while ‘24’ was on air?” I moaned. “It’s such a good show! Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Saffy’s formidable bosom inflated. “We have been trying to tell you, but you kept insisting on watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’!”

“Yes, but that’s good too!”

“I know, but there’s nothing like a mounting body count that hits all the right spots,” said Saffy, amateur serial killer. “And I die every time Kiefer Sutherland talks! His voice is incredibly sexy!”

With shaking hands, I carried my cereal to the dining table and lowered myself gingerly onto the chair. “It was terrible. I thought I would just watch one episode. But it was such a cliffhanger ending that I had to see what happened next. And then I was watching another. And another. What day is it today?”

“By the smell of your bedroom,” said Amanda as she walked past, “it’s laundry day. You’ve got some really ugly dark bags under your eyes, Jason.”

“That’s what I said,” Saffy said proudly.

Sharyn says it’s horrific to think of all the time I’ve wasted watching TV. “I hope my children don't become like you! I want them to become lawyer or doctor!”

Saffy says it’s such a shame some mothers just have no imagination.