Regular readers
will know that one of the great regrets of my life is that my parents never
sent me to tennis camp when I was a kid. I could have been sitting on a few Grand
Slams, not to mention several multi-million dollar Rolex endorsements, by now.
Well, I could have, if it weren’t for
the slight problem of my non-existent hand-eye coordination.
Instead, our parents kept my brother and sister and
me at home during our school vacations and forced us to prep for the following
year’s syllabus. All our lives, my siblings and I have nursed a simmering
resentment at the waste of our potential.
“I can scream just as loud as Maria Sharapova!” my
sister will tell complete strangers at parties. My brother Jack thinks it’s
tragic that Michelle remains clueless as to why she leaves these parties with
so many phone numbers from intrigued men.
The other
great regret in my life is that my parents weren’t more encouraging about
sending me to film school. Some people grow up wanting to become an astronaut,
while others dream of finding the cure for cancer. One of the kids I was at
school with was obsessed by computers. Annoyingly, he ended up writing an
anti-virus programme that’s made him a bazillion dollars.
What is the point of going to film school, you ask?
Well, for starters, I would be watching movies and TV all day. And being paid
for it.
“Is that even a career?” Michelle asked once.
“Sure it is,” I said with authority. “That’s all
the film critic at 8DAYS does all day! She flies all over the world to attend
film premieres, and gets to meet all the movie stars and then she gets to trash
the movies in her scathing reviews. It’s the best job ever!”
“I’ll tell you what’s the best job ever for you,” Michelle said. “Being a security
guard on the night shift.”
I paused. “Uhm, why?”
I paused. “Uhm, why?”
“Well, you’re an insomniac and you love watching
TV, so what’s not to love?”
I was impressed. “God, I could watch all the TV I
want, while I was working!”
“Exactly. In fact, it’s even better than being a film critic because you don’t have to actually write anything because your real job is to press a button to raise and lower the security barrier!” Michelle looked radiant.
“Exactly. In fact, it’s even better than being a film critic because you don’t have to actually write anything because your real job is to press a button to raise and lower the security barrier!” Michelle looked radiant.
You can tell that despite our fatally expensive
education, our parents raised three children with very low expectations when it
came to job satisfaction.
Meanwhile, it looks as if I’m slightly
over-qualified to be a security guard. So I’ve done the next best thing. The
other day, I signed up for Netflix. For a ridiculously low monthly rental, I
get to watch all the TV and movies I want at any time of the day. It’s so
amazing. It’s like being a diabetic who’s let loose in a candy store. I don’t
think I emerged from my room for the first 24 hours that I signed up.
Which is quite apt because I spent the entire time watching ‘24’.
“Uhm, isn’t that like a million years old?” Saffy
said as she watched me drag myself to the fridge for some milk for my cereal.
“Your eyes are all bloodshot and you’ve got these really ugly dark bags under
them.”
“Oh my God, what have I been doing the entire time
while ‘24’ was on air?” I moaned. “It’s such a good show! Why didn’t anyone
tell me?”
Saffy’s formidable bosom inflated. “We have been trying to tell you, but you
kept insisting on watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’!”
“Yes, but that’s good too!”
“I know, but there’s nothing like a mounting body
count that hits all the right spots,” said Saffy, amateur serial killer. “And I
die every time Kiefer Sutherland
talks! His voice is incredibly sexy!”
With shaking hands, I carried my cereal to the
dining table and lowered myself gingerly onto the chair. “It was terrible. I
thought I would just watch one episode. But it was such a cliffhanger ending
that I had to see what happened next. And then I was watching another. And
another. What day is it today?”
“By the smell of your bedroom,” said Amanda as she
walked past, “it’s laundry day. You’ve got some really ugly dark bags under
your eyes, Jason.”
“That’s what I said,” Saffy said proudly.
Sharyn says it’s horrific to think of all the time
I’ve wasted watching TV. “I hope my children don't become like you! I want them
to become lawyer or doctor!”
Saffy says it’s such a shame some mothers just have
no imagination.
2 comments:
That's not fair!! How did you get Netflix here!? I am so jealous :(
All I will say is that you should make friends with a technie person! JH
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