My flatmate
Amanda is a firm believer that if you can’t be personal friends with the rich
and famous, you can at least try to have the same lifestyle as they do. So, if
she spots in a gossip magazine, Jennifer Aniston carrying, say, a $6,000 Dolce
& Gabbana handbag while shopping at the supermarket, she will rush out and
get the same bag and then head out to her nearest Jason’s.
Once, she even got Saffy to spring
out from behind the cereal aisle and start snapping pictures of her, like the
paparazzi. Except this encounter involved Saffy repeating, “Oh no, wait, I have
to do it again, I don’t think I got the flash on!” After a few takes and a few
complaints from customers, the supermarket manager showed up with security and
threw them both out.
Recently, Amanda started subscribing
to Gwyneth Paltrow’s web newsletter. For reasons I’ve never fully understood,
Gwyneth’s website is called Goop. Goop is a peek into her fabulous life. If
you’ve ever lain in bed wide awake, tormented by what kind of yoga mat Gwyneth
Paltrow uses, Goop will tell you. It will also tell you what sort of festive
treats she has in store for her family, her favourite gifts to give, the kind
of food she loves to serve her family, her general approach to life, love and
everything.
One of Gwyneth’s recent newsletters
to her devoted fans involved tips on how to throw a Hannukah dinner and
Christmas breakfast. Tip number one to keeping, in her words, the crazy to a
minimum, Gwyneth says it's nice to have your menu designed and printed
out for you to display on the table.
“That’s her very first tip?” Saffy asked at when she peered at the
printout that Amanda had given each of us. “Design and print out a menu?
Amanda, we live in Toa Payoh, not the White House!”
More to the point, I
said, were we having a dinner party? Because this was the first I’d heard about
it.
“First course,” Saffy
read out, “apple and potato latkes. That doesn’t sound very interesting. What
are latkes?”
“I can’t think of
anything more revolting,” I said. “Apple and potatoes? Really?”
Of course, the
reality is that someone like Gwyneth will not be in the kitchen making apple
and potato latkes when she entertains, especially if you have no idea what a
latke is in the first place. The woman is too busy making the Iron Man sequel
and posing in expensive handbag ads for Coach.
“And being a mother
and wife of a rock-star,” Saffy added.
The Christmas
breakfast menu also has home-made turkey sausage, an item that prompted Saffy
to observe that if that didn’t give her instant constipation, she didn’t know
what would.
“I think it all
sounds fabulous,” Amanda said stubbornly.
“Amanda,” I said,
“you realize that the only people
that can really do a menu like this have help or staff or both, right? I bet
it's been years since Gwyneth stepped into a supermarket.”
In loving detail, the
newsletter went on to outline the party preparations for ‘Two Days Before’ the
party, the ‘Day Before’, the ‘Evening Before’, the ‘Day of’, ‘Two Hours
Before’, and ‘Ten Minutes Later’.
Then, there’s a
section on ‘Conversation’ where Gwyneth suggests what you should talk about at
the dinner party that you’ve just planned right down to the minute. Some topics
include: What’s sexier – humour or kindness?, and If you could relive a day of
your past, which would it be?
“Oh, that’s an easy
one,” Saffy said. “It would be the one before this stupid dinner party you
think we’re going to have!”
“Why can’t we just
order in pizza?” I whined.
“Because I think it
would be fun to do this!” Amanda said desperately, her fantasy of a Gwyneth
dinner part vaporizing before the sullen mutiny of her flatmates. “Look, she’s
told us what to do, step by step. It’s so easy!”
Saffy glared at her printout.
“My God, listen to what she tells us to do an hour before the guests arrive:
‘Dim the lights. Start your playlist. Light the fireplace if you have one. And
definitely light a candle, which sets a welcoming tone and makes the house
smell great. The holiday scents from Linnea’s Lights are pretty insane.”
“I’d have gone insane
long before that happened!” I got up
and headed for the door.
“Where are you
going?” Amanda asked.
“To get some char
kway teow,” I said.
“Ooh, I’m coming with
you,” Saffy cooed. “Wait, should we bring a scented candle?” She gave Amanda a
look.
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