If you’re
reading this, I guess it means that the world didn’t end on 21 December. I’m
also imagining that if the ancient Mayans were still around, their hotline
would be flooded by very angry phone-calls.
As I write this, it’s the week
before the long prophesied end of the world.
“It sounds so ‘Lord of the Rings’,
doesn’t it?” Amanda giggled as she flipped the pages of her latest issue of
Vogue.
Saffy looked up from her laptop.
Since she’d woken up, she’d been busy tapping away on it. Now, she looked at
Amanda severely. “It’s not funny! This could be one of the last few times we’re
all going to be together alive! A
week from now, we could all be blown to bits!”
That’s the thing about calamities.
There’s always some nut-job out there who’s running around screaming, “Get your
children out of here! There’s an asteroid coming!” Or, in the case of the
recent movie ‘Piranha 3D’, “Get out of the water! The piranhas are coming
through the water pipes!”
Of course, no one ever believes
them. There’ll always be calm, cool, level-headed people like the town sheriff,
or the congressman (in the movies, the end of the world always happens first in
America), or Amanda who will pooh-pooh the whole thing. “Now hold on here.
There hasn’t been an asteroid strike for, oh, five billion years. What makes
you think your day-ta is correct?”
Or, as the owner of owner of the
water park in ‘Piranha 3D’ said, “You just shut up! We’re opening tomorrow!”
Of course, the first person to get
blown up, or chewed up by very angry ugly fish, is the disbelieving town
sheriff and the water park owner.
Somehow, people like Saffy end up
safe and sound, watching the sun rise the very next day.
So, my point is this, if there’s one
thing I’ve learnt from years of watching Hollywood disaster movies, it’s to
side with the screaming nut-job and do everything they say. Better safe than
sorry, is the motto on my family crest.
“What do you have in mind, Saf?” I
said.
Saffy looked surprised at the
unexpected show of support. Amanda glanced up from ‘Vogue’ and frowned.
“Well, uhm…” Saffy began. “I think
we have two options. The Mayans weren’t very specific about how the world is
going to end. Is it a full blown apocalypse in which the whole planet just
explodes? Or is it going to be like a biblical flooding?”
“Go on,” I urged.
Unused to being the centre of
attention, Saffy’s bosom inflated with pride. “Well, if it’s Scenario A, then I
think I would want to be sitting on a Singapore Airlines flight to, say, New
York, in their Suites. If the world is ending, you might as well be sipping
champagne and nibbling on satay sticks when it does.”
“So, Scenario A, cash in your
savings and CPF!” I said.
“Yes!” Saffy said, and peered at her
screen. “But I’ve been looking at my bank accounts and I think I’ll only have
enough to get to Penang, if I want to go Business Class.”
“And that’s only a forty-five minute
flight,” I said.
“I know. So anti-climactic, right?
Which is why I’m hoping that it’s Scenario B. Biblical flooding. In which case,
we should be ok. We’re on the ninth floor and we’re inland and worst come to
worst, we can always go up to the 23rd floor. The water can’t rise
that high up!”
“Interesting,” I said. “So we would
need to stock up on supplies.”
“Which is what I’m looking at now.
Cold Storage does home deliveries and I’m thinking we should stock up on canned
goods and biscuits!”
“Don’t forget to get a can-opener,” I
said. “Imagine if you had all those cans of food, and you couldn’t open any of
it!”
“Oooh, good idea!” Saffy tapped
away.
Later, it was all Amanda could talk
about when she had coffee with Sharyn.
“They’re completely nuts,” she
ranted as she stirred her cappuccino. “And what gets me is that after all these
years of working, Saffy has only saved enough to fly to Penang?”
Sharyn leaned in. “Ay, I ask you,
hor, SQ got satay, meh?”
“Yes, in Business Class, but only on
certain sectors,” said Amanda, PPS Member since 2005.
“Wah, so shiok!”
“Oh my God, Sharyn, you are missing
the point!”
Saffy says Amanda will have nobody
to blame but herself if she finds herself completely unprepared for the
Apocalypse. “It’ll serve her right,” she said as she tapped away on her To Do
list. “Should we get life-jackets?”
“Get everything,” I urged.
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