When my
grandmother was in the firm grip of senility, she lost all her social
inhibitions. She said and did whatever popped into her head.
If she felt like standing up in the middle of a
movie and shouting, “He doesn’t love you! He’s having an affair with his
secretary! He’s going to kill you!”, she would do just that. If she felt like
taking her plate of fried beehoon up to the bathroom and throwing the whole
thing into the toilet, she would.
My mother remembers a particularly
mortifying occasion when Grandmother suddenly spoke up in a restaurant,
“May-ling, look at that girl at the next table. She has the biggest ass I’ve
ever seen!”
“She said it in very loud Cantonese,
too!” Mother moaned at the memory. “And you know how crude the word ‘ass’
sounds in Cantonese! I wanted to die!”
Saffy says that we could all learn
from my grandmother’s example. “People are just too uptight these days!” she remarked recently. “They take offence at
the most innocent things people say.”
I hesitated. “And by ‘people’…”
“I mean me!” Saffy replied promptly.
“It’s all such a lot of fuss about nothing, really!”
A few days earlier, Amanda had been
invited to the home of her boss for a birthday party he was throwing for his
wife.
“Bring your partner or a friend!”
her boss had encouraged, so Amanda brought Saffy, an act she later conceded had
not been properly thought through.
“What was I thinking?” she shouted
when they came home after the party.
Saffy trudged through the front
door, following Amanda. She looked unrepentant. “Seriously, what’s the big
deal?”
Amanda shot daggers behind her as
she headed for the drinks cabinet. “If murder didn’t carry a death penalty in
this town, you’d be dead by now!”
The full gory story only emerged
after three stiff gin and tonics.
At the birthday party, one of the
surprises was a violin performance by the 8-year old son of Amanda’s boss.
Apparently, he played ‘I Will Always
Love You’, which even Amanda admitted was a kinda creepy song for a son to play
to his mother on her birthday given that Whitney Houston sang it to her injured
lover slash bodyguard as a farewell dirge.
By the time the kid had played the
first bar, it was clear even to Saffy, who is severely tone deaf, that he
should be encouraged to take up another hobby. Something, anything, that
doesn’t require the production of a sequence of musical notes.
“It was awful,” Amanda sighed.
“I could actually feel my panties tightening around my waist!” Saffy
reported.
But, of course, when the kid was
bowing his last note, all the guests clapped enthusiastically. His mother was
weeping, though, on reflection, no one could be a hundred percent sure if it
was from pride and joy, or sheer relief that it was finally over.
Amanda was the first to rush over to
her boss to gush about what a wonderfully talented son he had.
“Hypocritical ass-kisser!” Saffy
muttered.
“I am gunning for the promotion!”
“Yes, but still!”
Amanda said what happened next was
like watching a car accident happen in slow motion. Just as she was wrapping up
her congratulations, Saffy materialized by her side, a champagne flute in one
hand and prawn roll in the other.
“God, why is there no food at this
party?” she began. “I had to fight off a woman for this last prawn roll!”
Amanda’s smile stiffened. “We were
just talking about Joshua’s performance…” She never got to finish her sentence
because Saffy’s bosom inflated and sucked up the surrounding air.
“Oh my God! Is that his name? That
kid was terrible! He really should be
playing another instrument! I mean, I’m tone deaf and everything, but
really…Amanda, why are you looking at me like that?”
Apparently, the next thing Saffy
knew, Amanda had bundled her into a taxi and spent the entire trip shouting.
“Seriously, how was I to know he was
your boss?” Saffy bleated.
“Because he introduced Joshua at the
beginning of the act with ‘My son’!”
Amanda yelled.
“Listen,” Saffy said urgently,
“nobody is doing that kid any favours by pretending that he’s good! He needs to
know the truth! Back me up here, Jason!”
“Oh God,” Amanda moaned. “You should
have seen the look on my boss’s face. I might as well kiss that promotion
goodbye now. I’m going to be sorting out mail for the rest of my life!”
Saffy later told me that she doesn’t
dare tell Amanda that the woman she fought off for the last prawn roll was the
boss’s wife.
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