Tongue Twister

Amanda’s friend Jenny recently started dating again after a particularly nasty divorce. The ex-husband had emptied their joint bank account and run off with his secretary. When the money ran out, the secretary dumped him and he tried to come crawling back to Jenny. And when she refused to take him back, he claimed, during the divorce proceedings, that it was precisely this kind of unusually cruel treatment that had led him to have an affair in the first place. 

Anyway, the dust settled a few months back and quite unexpectedly, Jenny suddenly found herself agreeing to go out on dates organized by Amanda. “You have to keep on top of your game!” my flatmate said even as she organized another drinks party to which she invited all the single men she could think of who weren’t currently attached to a wife or a porn addiction. 

“How come you never did any of this when I was still single?” Saffy complained as she looked over the invitation list. “I mean, you’ve invited that super hot Sam! Did you see his Instagram post today when he did the splits? All I could think of was why the stupid camera was at the front and not to the side, if you know what I mean?”

Amanda sighed. “Well first of all, Sam only dates women who are over five feet eight, and you’re not. So there’s that. And secondly, you’re supposed to be happily in a relationship with Bradley, so why do you care who’s coming to the drinks party?”

Saffy’s bosom inflated. “Well, I think it’s just weird to have a height restriction when you’re dating. And –,” she hesitated, “I love Bradley and everything, but I kind of miss the excitement of dating. You know, that funny feeling in the pit of the stomach?”

“That’s usually your period,” Amanda snapped. 

Saffy shrugged, by now, long immune to Amanda’s jibes. “Not always! But you know what I mean. That butterfly flutter when you think, ‘Is he going to call? Oh, he’s calling me! He’s asking me on a date!’ I miss that feeling of the first date, and especially the first kiss!”

“Completely over-rated!” Amanda sniffed. “Especially if the guy is a lousy kisser and you have to spend the next few weeks coaching him how to kiss but without him knowing that’s what you’re doing, because if he ever knew, he’d be so offended!”

Saffy sighed, her bosom deflating on cue. “Oh, that bad kissing bit. There must be some school of bad kissing that guys go to. I can’t tell you how many bad kissers I’ve dated in my life. Even with Bradley, I had to quietly coach him.”

As it turned out, Jenny and Sam hit it off like Jon Snow and the Targaryen girl, and within four days of the drinks party, they were posing for wefies in front of the Jewel’s Vortex.

Apparently, later that evening, they took their dragons out of a ride and to hear Jenny tell it the next day at breakfast at Toast Box, it was amazing. “It’s so liberating to be with a man who knows his way around a woman’s body, you know? Not like that low-down scum sucking pig of an ex-husband of mine!”

Amanda was beatific. “You’re welcome!” she said.

“The only thing is,” Jenny said, leaning in. “The next morning, when we woke up and he moved in to kiss me, I nearly gagged!”

Amanda winced. “Morning breath?”

“The foulest!” Jenny confided. “I had to hold my breath and then make some excuse about needing to pee.”

“And I guess it’s too early to introduce him to the tongue scrapper?”

“Not till at least the third date, I don’t think,” Jenny said.

Saffy says that she really should start up a school of dating for men and one of the compulsory modules would be tongue scrapping. “What are mothers teaching their kids these days?” she wondered to the world at large. “That’s just basic hygiene and good manners! I mean, if we women make the effort to wash our bits and put on clean underwear before going on a date, the least the guy could do is to take a few swipes of the tongue in the bathroom before getting into bed!”

Amanda, who has higher standards, added, “And again first thing in the morning before they come near the woman!”

“See, that’s one thing I don’t miss about dating,” Saffy said. “The house training!”

Amanda pursed her lips. “Yeah, and after all that effort, they run off with the secretary!”