Keeping Up Appearances

Amanda says she misses the good old days when you actually went out somewhere if y0u wanted to meet a guy.

            “It’s so clinical now,” she said recently over lunch at Lau Pa Sat. “You have Tinder and all you do is swipe.”

            “But you’ve been on quite a few nice dates from that,” Saffy said, as she succeeded in spearing a particularly slippery piece of cuttlefish in her rojak. “So it can’t be all that bad.”

            Amanda sighed. “Yes, we had some nice dinners and a couple of movies, but nothing ever came out of those dates. I mean, they look good on-screen, but when you actually meet up, there’s always something not quite right.”

            Sharyn looked up from her mee-pok. “Aiyah, where got perfect boyfriend, one? Confirm always got something wrong, one. My friend, Suzy, she marry that Derek. Wah, so good-looking. Wedding night, he sleep with bridesmaid. You see, lah!”

            Amanda drew in a breath. “You know, I’m not sure…”

“You look at my husband.” You could tell Sharyn was warming up to her theme. “I tell you, ah, if I see his picture on Tinder, I also swipe right, ah, I tell you!”

            Saffy frowned. “You mean you would swipe left, don’t you?”

            Sharyn hesitated. “Why? What happen if you swipe left?”

            “Left means you’re rejecting the guy, right means you like what you see.”

            Sharyn sighed. “Oh, issit? Yah, ok, if I see my husband picture on Tinder, I swipe left! Wah, you so on, hor?”

            “Lots of practice, Shazz. Lots of practice. You’re so lucky you’re married and don’t have to deal with this.”

            “Anyway,” Sharyn went on, her earnest eyes squinting into microscopic dots behind her thick Coke-bottle-thick spectacles. “What I am trying to say is that you all, ah, always pick boyfriend base on looks. How to find husband, liddat? I tell you, ah, the more good-looking they are, the more chao they are, ah!”

            “So you’re saying I should only consider ugly men?” Amanda said, arching a perfectly manicured eyebrow.

            Sharyn waved her hands. “Not say ugly lah! But if you always pick Chris Pine, of course, cannot, lah! If a man look like Chris Pine, he sure got all the girl chase after him, one. What for you try to compete with everyone? You want to pick the man got fewer girl chase, mah! Then confirm he so grateful you pick him, he love you long long time! By the way, this is oh-so how you buy a puppy!”           

            For days after, it’s been all Amanda can talk about.

            “It makes so much sense,” she told her friend Sarah at work. “This whole app thing conditions us to make snap judgments in seconds, based solely on the guy’s looks.” She paused, her eyes widened in shock. “Oh my God. Just think of all the potential fabulous husbands I’ve swiped left on!”

            “So, what,” Sarah asked, “you’re going to start all over again? See, this is why, the older I get, the more I’m beginning to see how sensible arranged marriages are!”

            Amanda was shocked. “Wait, what?”

            “No, really, think about it! My grandmother didn’t meet my grandfather till the wedding day! But she always said that he was the love of her life and a part of her died when he did.”

            Amanda, who has the memory of an elephant, said, “Didn’t your granny remarry a man fifteen years younger than her?”

            Sarah straightened up primly. “Well, she didn’t say every part of her died! But anyway, you must see the point. Back in the day, nobody married for love. That came after, as they got to know each other and accept each other, day by day. And I think apps like Tinder have given us all a warped perspective of that progression!”

            “Wah, that Sarah, so cheem, hor?” Sharyn said later.

            “I think I am going to delete my Tinder account,” Amanda said. “I’m just going to let you match-make me!”

            “Hah?” Sharyn’s eyes took on a hunted look. “Me?”

            “Yes. I think you and Sarah are both right. I’ve been doing this dating thing the wrong way. I’ve been judging guys just based on a photo when really, I should be getting to know the…uhm…the Yodas of this world! So, set me up, Sharyn. You have lots of single men in your family. Introduce me to some of them!”

            Sharyn immediately rang Saffy in a panic. “Ay, how are?”

            “This is what happens when you talk nonsense, Shazz! She likes Chris Pine. Why did you have to introduce her to Yoda?! My God, what if she ends up being your sister-in-law?”

            “Aiyoh!”