A Decent Proposal

Sometimes, in the still of the night, when nothing is stirring, I lie in bed and think about things. Not serious things like what does Donald Trump look like naked? Or do people really spit out bones straight onto their dining table when they eat at home, like they do at the hawker centre?

            No, at that hour of the night, I think about existential questions. Like: what would my life have been like if I’d never met Saffy and Amanda?

            Regular readers of this column will know the most obvious answer to this question would be a resounding “Well, duh!”

            If you’ve ever read Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” or watched “It’s a Wonderful Life”, you’ll know that if I’d not met Saffy and Amanda, the Law of Cinematic Drama would have required that I ended up a drug addict and an alcoholic or, worse, a rock star.

            “I highly doubt that,” Saffy said the other day when I raised the subject. “You’d probably still be the same boring fart who leaves a party early, and eats dinner at 6.30pm.”

            “My doctor said it’s no good for my digestive system to eat late,” I told her urgently. “I’m not of Indian or Spanish stock! They could eat at midnight and still function perfectly well the next morning! I come from weaker stock!”

            “As I was saying,” Saffy went on, her bosom trembling with barely suppressed disdain, “it wouldn’t have made any difference. You’d still be dull! If anything, having you in our lives has probably been the reason why we’re still not married!”

            “Yes, that is true,” Amanda said, nodding. She blinked. “Wait, what? Why?”

            Pleased at the unexpected attention, Saffy puffed up. “Well, it’s true. I’ve lost track of the number of times men have not asked me out because they think he’s my boyfriend!”

            “How do you know men think that?” Amanda asked. Clearly, the thought had never occurred to her.

            “Because that’s what Bradley told me shortly after we started dating. He said he never asked me out even though he was instantly attracted to me the minute he laid eyes on me because he thought Jason was my boyfriend!” Saffy enunciated my name in much the same tone Taylor Swift must use whenever she speaks of Kim Kardashian.

            I could feel my face turning red. “Even if that were true,” I began hotly, “and P.S., you’d have been lucky to have been my girlfriend!, what’s stopping you from getting married now?”

            Amanda swiveled her head from me to Saffy. “Yes, that’s a very good question. What’s stopping you now?”

            It was Saffy’s turn to turn red. “Well, Bradley has asked me…Oh, really, Amanda, please stop screaming! Stop! Stop! Please! Calm down!”

            It took a while, but we got there eventually. Amanda’s colour returned to normal, but she was so excited, she reached over and clutched Saffy’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell me? Oh. My. God! He asked you? What did you say?”
            With her free hand, Saffy adjusted her tight tee-shirt. “Well, clearly, I didn’t say yes, but I haven’t said no, either.”
            “But why? What’s the problem? I thought you wanted to get married!”

            “Well, yes….” Saffy hesitated. “Since I was a child, but when Bradley asked me, I just felt like…like…is that it?”

            Amanda paused. “Is what it?”

            “The marriage proposal and what I felt. I didn’t really feel anything. It felt…I’ll tell you what it felt like: an out of body experience. That’s what it felt like. Like this was happening to someone else. It didn’t feel like it was happening to me.”

            I let out my breath. “Poor Bradley!” I sighed.

            “I know, right?” Saffy said. “He even bought me a ring from Tiffany’s!”

            Amanda clutched her hands to her heart. She literally moaned.

            Saffy plucked at the hem of her tee-shirt. “It’s all cool. I told Bradley that he is only one man in the world I would ever get married to, but he’s just going to have to give me some time to think about it a bit more.”

            Amanda looked worried. “Well, I hope you know what you’re doing…” she trailed off, her eyebrows wrinkling.

            When Sharyn heard about the news, she rolled her eyes so far back I thought she might snap her ocular tendons. “Aiyoh! Must think about what?” she drawled. “Got people ask you mare-ly, enough, lah!”

            She says if Saffy still hasn’t accepted Bradley’s marriage proposal by Christmas, she will marry Bradley. “He so han-some, confirm our chil-ren will be beautiful, one!”