Face Off

I have a friend on Facebook who’s a real downer. Actually, I have a few of them. Just about every single post is about something bad. Corruption in some Third World country. Toxins in a brand of baby formula. A complaint about how stupid most people are. How the service at a particular restaurant sucked so badly, you’d think you were at a candy store. The rudeness of Singaporean drivers and this is accompanied by a video of a car that’s straddling two parking lots. A video of an aunty on a bus arguing with a young man, which ends with her spitting at him. A video of Kellyanne Conway demonstrating how not to answer a question.

            Amanda just told me a friend on Facebook posted an article about how someone who is long-winded could actually be showing signs of early Alzheimers.

            “Can you imagine?” she wondered to the world at large. “That would mean that just about everyone I know in my office is two lunch appointments from having full-blown Alzhimers! Isn’t that just about the scariest thing?”

            “I think we need to stop being on Facebook,” I told her. “Have you noticed how angry people are on it? They’re always complaining about something, or posting something that either scares me or makes me afraid. Just the other day,” I went on, “Barney posted this video of a spider fighting with a snake! A snake!”

            “Oh my God, I saw that one! Facebook doesn’t give you notice for that kind of thing, it just suddenly starts playing! I was on the escalator and I nearly jumped back. Luckily, it was rush hour and there was a cushion of people behind me. Otherwise, I would have tumbled down the escalator, snapped my neck and died.”

            “And someone would have been there to capture the whole thing on his phone and then upload it!” I said.

            “What is wrong with this world?” Amanda asked.

            Sharyn says it’s why she’s no longer on Facebook. “Aiyah, so sian!” she declared the other day over lunch at Maxwell Market. “All my friend got some-ting to complain, one. The worse hor, is when they post some-ting like…like…what ah?, wait, lemme tink…oh yah, dat day my friend post ‘So disappointing!’ Nah-ting else. Aiyoh, liddat also got time to post! Say why, lah! Skali, all your friend must message you and ask, ‘Ay, what happen, ah? Are you ok?’ Waste my time!” Sharyn sniffed as she savagely speared a piece of cucumber from the plate of rojak.

            “Is that why I never see you on Facebook, anymore?” Saffy said, looking up from her heaped plate of nasi padang.

            “Yah, I leave Facebook or-redi. Now I am on Instagram! So happy. All day, I look at pretty picture! No stress!”

            “Really?” Amanda said, putting down her spoonful of laksa. “I’ve always wondered if I should be on Instagram.”

            “Confirm, must!” Sharyn said, her eyes abnormally enlarged behind her Coke-bottle-thick spectacles. “I real kay-poh, so I follow Kim Kardashian and Preston Gerber!”

            Saffy’s bosom inflated. “Who’s Preston Gerber?”

            “Aiyoh, you doh-no, ah? He is the son of Cindy Crawford. Wah lau, so han-some! His sister lagi better looking, ah! I wish my chil-ren got so good looking, but dey look like their father, so all got flat nose!” Sharyn’s nose wrinkled at the injustice of such an unfair gene pool.

            Meanwhile, Saffy had been busy tapping her phone. “Gerber, Gerber…oh here we go…oooh, he’s gorgeous!”

            Amanda leaned over to look at the screen. “Seriously, he looks like he’s fifteen!”

            “Oooh, is that his father? OK, the son may be cute, but the father is seriously hot!”

            “Randy!” Sharyn piped up.

            Saffy sighed. “I know. Bradley has been away for a week, I am climbing the walls!”

            “Noooo,” Sharyn drawled. “The father. His name is Randy! Randy Gerber!”

            Saffy blinked. “Seriously?”

            By then, Amanda had abandoned her laksa to set up an Instagram account on her phone. She then spent fifteen minutes following people that Sharyn told her to.

            “Ah, you must also follow Peepy and Mother Lee!”

            “OK, let me find them. Who are they?”

            “Mudder and son. Whenever I sad, I look at their picture and I laugh and laugh. So funny, they all…”

            Amanda peered at her screen. “What is she wearing? Is that a hat?”
            Sharyn barked out a laugh and slapped her thigh. “No, is her real hair! So funny right? Aiyoh, I got so many more you must follow! So fun, Instagram!”

            Saffy says if she had shares in Facebook, she’d sell everything now.