Monday, July 10, 2017

Over the Moon

As I write this, it’s the day after the super moon, when the moon was the closest it’s been to the Earth since 1765.
            Amanda just told me that it was 1948, but I replied she should stick to her law books and leave matters of the occult and Black Arts to the experts.
            Amanda put her hands on her hips and struck a pose of irritation. “I don’t see how getting your facts wrong makes you an expert on anything, least of all the occult!”
            “It’s worked for Donald Trump,” I told her.
            “Well, the next time you marry someone who looks like Melania Trump, we can talk.”
            Thank goodness, I have Saffy on my side on this one.
            “Oh totally!” she just said. “I didn’t sleep a wink! Did you?”
            “The worst dreams ever!” I confirmed.
            “And all these people on Facebook posting pictures of the moon, like it was their best friend or something!” Saffy’s enormous bosom inflated, completely outraged at the lack of astronomical discrimination amongst some people.
Amanda sighed. “Seriously, do you know how crazy you guys sound? The full moon doesn’t affect your sleep!”
Saffy rolled her eyes. “Well, Miss Smarty Harvard Pants, tell me this: if the moon can affect the tides of the sea, why can’t it affect us? We’re 95% water and blood!”
“I think you mean 60% because...” Amanda began.
“Have you always been this annoying?” Saffy interrupted, but she could tell that Amanda was gathering steam, so she hurried on. “Anyway, my point is, if the moon can have such a powerful effect on the sea, what chance does the body have against it?”
Saffy later said it was so enormously satisfying to see Amanda stumped.
“She had nothing to say!” she told Sharyn over lunch at Maxwell Market.
Her best friend looked up from her char kway teow. “Wah, you all very free, hor? Like this oh-so can argue!”
“Well, what can I say? When it’s a full moon, I can’t sleep, and last night’s moon was so close you could practically touch it. It’s just so irritating when people say it’s all in my head!”
Sharyn clicked her chopsticks several times and picked up some rojak. “Yah, I oh-so cannot sleep when got full moon. Some more, hor, I must close the curtain. If got moonlight on my bed, I can feel it!”
Saffy stopped chewing. “Wait, you can feel the moonlight?”
Caaaan,” Sharyn drawled extravagantly. “Moonlight is very heavy! You don’t know, meh?”
“Seriously?” Amanda said when Saffy rang to tell her. “Who are you people? How can light have weight?”
“I don’t see why not,” Saffy replied. “If thoughts can have weight, why can’t light?”
Amanda was astonished. “What? Who said thoughts have weight?”
“Well, why do people talk about having things weigh on their minds, then?”
Amanda disconnected the phone call, just as her French boss walked into her office to talk about a case.
“What is ze matter?” Justine asked. “You look upset.”
Amanda waved her hands. “Oh, I’m just thinking I should be moving. My flatmates are driving me crazy. They’re going around saying they couldn’t sleep because of the super moon last night.”
“Oh, me too! It was terrible! My God! I had so many dreams!”
Amanda blinked. “Wait. You, too?”
Apparently, Justine shrugged her shoulders in that sexy way French women do. “But, of course! The moon is beautiful, huh?, but it also has great power!”
Amanda dropped her face into her hands. “Seriously, what is happening?” she moaned.
Justine shrugged again. “It’s why I always draw the curtains in my apartment at night. I don’t want the moon shining in. Direct moonlight can destroy furniture!”
            Amanda looked up. “What?”
“It’s just like sunlight, no?”
Of course, it’s all Amanda has been able to talk about since she got home.
“How can she believe that moonlight can fade furniture? She went to INSEAD!”
“Hah! Issit?” Sharyn said. “No wonder all my furniture change colour! Always got moonlight come in at night!”
“I think I’m going mad,” Amanda said. “I really am!”
“You know what you sound like?” Saffy told her. “You sound like a climate change denier! All the evidence is staring you in the face and you still refuse to accept it!”
“Yah, lor!” Sharyn said. “Tree people tell you dey cannot sleep when got full moon, and you still doan believe! You sure you got go Hah-vard or not?”
Amanda just posted on Facebook that she is starting to understand why Donald Trump won.


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