Pillow Talk

The biggest question I have these days isn’t ‘How did a reality TV star get elected the leader of the Free World?’, but ‘Why do people let their lipomas grow so huge that they’re practically visible from space?’

            And by lipomas, I mean, of course, those huge fatty growths that Dr Sandra Lee aka Dr Pimple Popper is forever extracting on her fabulous YouTube channel and www.drpimplepopper.com.

            “Did you see that ginormous lipoma she extracted from that guy’s butt?” Amanda asked the other morning.

            “Four times,” I replied. “How was he even sitting down? Though I guess it wouldn’t have hurt since it’s really just benign fat cells. Look at us,” I said brightly. “It’s like we’re board-certified dermatologists!”

            “Imagine being his girlfriend!” Amanda said. She shuddered in what I felt was an incredibly unprofessional and judgmental manner. “I just don’t understand how he let it grow to such a size? Plus it was herniated! I mean, remember how I rushed down to see Dr Tan when I had that tiny ingrown hair on my arm? Oh, hi, Saf! We’re just talking about lipomas!”

Saffy yawned. “I’m so depressed,” she said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she schluffed to the kitchen for coffee. Amanda and I exchanged a look.

Saffy came back with a steaming cup and sat down at the dining table. “You would think, would you not, that I would be well and truly passed the stage of acne, but I just keep getting pimples all over the sides my face! It’s just awful! Why are my hormones so out of balance?”

            Amanda bent in close to look. “Well…it doesn’t look too…”

            “Seriously, stop sugar-coating it. I look like a leper!” Saffy sighed, her bosom deflating with low self-esteem. “Thank God, I’ve got a boyfriend now. Can you imagine trying to date with all these zits? Bradley is so sweet. He told me I’m just as beautiful as the day we first met! He’s a keeper, that one. I wonder when he’s going to pop the question and ask me to marry him.”
            “I’m going to Dr Tan this morning about this epidermoid cyst on my forearm,” I said. “Why don’t you come along and get him to look at your acne?”

            “I guess. Oh, I’m so depressed!” Saffy moaned.

            Later that afternoon, after Dr Tan had agreed with my self-diagnosis, he scheduled an excision for the following week and told me that I really needed to stop watching Dr Pimple Popper. “Stick to writing your column!” he said as he pushed me out the door, even as I was trying to show him the milia on my forehead that I needed him to remove.

            Saffy went in next. Occasionally, I heard gasps and excited low murmurs. When she finally emerged from the examination room, she was practically vibrating on maximum frequency.

            “Oh my God!” Saffy’s voice reverberated through the small waiting room. “It’s not my hormones! It’s my pillows!”

            Apparently, Dr Tan had spent a long time chatting to Saffy about how she slept in bed, to the point that, at one stage, she seriously thought he was turning into a crazy stalker. “I just couldn’t figure out why he kept asking me how I slept, like on my side or on my back. At one stage, he even asked me how often I changed my sheets!”

            “That’s kinky,” I observed.

            “I mean, right?” Saffy said. “But then, it all became clear why he was asking all those questions. Apparently, our pillow cases are Ground Zero for bacteria and dirt and if we sleep on our sides, like I do, then all that stuff gets onto our skins at night and that’s what might be causing my acne! He says I should change my pillow slips every other day and see what happens!”
            “Gosh, he’s good!”

            “Oh, and he also asked me if I put hand cream on at night and I said of course I did and then he asked me if when I slept on my side, I put my face on my hands and I said yes, I did, and he said that the cream probably gets onto my face and contributes to the acne especially on the sides of my face because hand cream contains heavy emollients that aren’t meant for the face!” Saffy sucked in breath. “I mean, isn’t that just amazing?”

            Amanda says Dr Tan should start up his own YouTube channel. Sharyn says we’re the reason Singapore’s productivity levels are dropping.