Watch and Wear

I have never been a big one for following fads.

When, for instance, everyone was getting all hot and bothered for donuts and cupcakes, I was happily munching on an Old Chang Kee curry puff. “I love this crust and there’s no silly queue! Go bother Saffy,” I remember telling Amanda who was trying to bribe me to get in line on her behalf.

And when that Michelin-starred dim-sum joint from Hong Kong opened here and lines started forming around the block, I calmly strolled into a Crystal Jade and within five minutes, I was inhaling some very good xiaolongbao.

That whole single origin coffee craze? I barely noticed it as I sipped a frothy teh tarik at my neighbourhood coffee shop.

Mad Men? I could barely lift my arm to click the button on the remote control to change channels. I’m still watching, with great contentment, Grey’s Anatomy. And if I were left to my own devices, I’d probably still be watching old reruns of Friends. 

Speaking of grey, 50 Shades of Grey? I’m still making my way through The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

But there’s something about the impending arrival of the new Apple Watch that has me all itchy and twitchy.

Never mind the fact that I’ve not worn an actual watch in, like, years. I don’t know exactly when that happened. One day, someone said we were going to be late for our meeting and I glanced at my phone and realized that I’d not actually looked at my watch to tell the time in a very long time. And the next thing I knew, I was no longer wearing a watch.

Which makes my current growing obsession with the Apple Watch just so odd, though Amanda says it’s not odd because the Apple Watch is not a watch.

“But they’re calling it a watch,” I said the other day.

“But it’s not a watch,” replied the Harvard graduate. “They could just as easily have called it a microwave oven and that wouldn’t have made it any more false.”

“You wear it on your wrist,” I pointed out.

“I wear lots of things on my wrist, but that doesn’t make them watches any more than an iPhone is a watch!” Amanda told me. “Actually, now that I think about it, the Apple Watch is just an iPod Touch that’s in a small square format!”

At this point, Saffy piped up. “Uhm, why is this an interesting conversation?”

“I’m just saying that it’s not odd that Jason should be obsessed by the Apple Watch when he no longer wears a watch simply because the Apple Watch is not a watch. It’s a small computer you wear on your wrist.”

Saffy remained unconvinced and, as she always does, took over the wheel and steered the conversation smoothly into her parallel universe.

“My birthday is coming up soon, so I think I should give you my birthday present wish-list now,” she said, handing over a piece of paper.

Amanda paused. “Your birthday’s not till October.”

Saffy’s bosom inflated. “That’s pretty soon. Top of my list, as you can see, is the Apple Watch…”

“Hey!” I began.

“I want the gold version, please,” Saffy continued smoothly.

Ice crystals formed in the air as Amanda’s eyes narrowed. “I am not buying you a ten-thousand dollar birthday present,” she said.

“No one is asking you to,” Saffy replied smoothly as she handed over another sheet of paper. “Here’s a list of 40 friends. If they each contributed $250, we’d have my birthday present all sorted out.”

Amanda actually burst out laughing. “You want us to crowd-fund your birthday present?”

Saffy looked put out. “You make that sound like it’s a weird thing to do.”

“Saf, people only crowd-fund for worthy causes like a start-up, or…or…”

“War-torn Syrian refugees!” I said helpfully and was rewarded with a glare from Saffy.

“And who’s Jacinta Veeraswamy, anyway?” Amanda said, looking down Saffy’s list.

“She’s my yoga teacher! She’s very nice!”

“Hello! You’ve been going to her for two weeks! Why would someone you’ve only seen in a class for an hour for two weeks want to drop $250 on your birthday present?”

Saffy’s bosom inflated. “Seriously, is this what you think? That people can’t become dear lifelong friends?”

“They can if it’s over a long life. I don’t think two weeks count!”

And that was when I wondered if maybe the new Apple Watch would have an app that blocks out sound. Like noise-cancelling headphones. How useful would that be, I thought as Saffy and Amanda continued bickering. Except then, it really won’t be a watch. Even if it did tell the time perfectly.