So, did you all have a
lovely Christmas? Did Santa drop by in the night and give you everything that
you had on your wish-list? Like that YouTube clip of the airport passengers
waiting at the luggage carousel and out spilled all the presents they’d asked for?
Because let me be the first to tell you that in the
little flat I share with Saffy and Amanda, none of us got what we wanted. And
we are not happy.
For months leading up to Christmas Day, Saffy prayed hard
for anything from Bottega Veneta. She casually left around the flat magazines
with the pages open to a Bottega ad. She would make sure she lingered outside
the store windows whenever she went shopping with Amanda. She didn’t care what
it was. It could have been a button,
as long as it was Bottega Veneta.
We got her a Nigella cookbook. “You can’t get anything
for under $500 from that shop,” Amanda had said with great retail authority,
and seeing as I only had about that amount left in my bank account, I was more
than happy to fork over my half for Nigella.
Meanwhile, Amanda wanted a package of massages from Qi
Mantra, but when Saffy and I went shopping, we realised that our combined
budget amounted to $300 which Saffy said might get Amanda a half-hour foot
reflex. We ended up buying a blank notebook.
Me, I wanted the new iPad Air.
From the moment I saw the commercial for it, I wanted it.
Coveted it. It’s the satin smooth steel finishing that just does it for me,
with all those bright screen colours and icons and the unspoken promise that
with just a few taps, you too could be making your very own Oscar-winning
documentary about your Paris holiday, or learning to play the piano, or
watching HD movies of Thor hurling thunder bolts at wicked elves.
I’ve
never thought of myself as particularly techy, but something about the iPad Air
whispers that it could turn me into a brilliant computer nerd.
If
you’re one of those people who can’t figure out how to programme your new TV,
you’ll know what I mean. It may all look remarkably impressive, but damned if I
know how to even begin to use it. Never mind the fact that four year olds can
master the intricate functions of the multi-coloured remote, while I’m still
struggling to find the on-button.
I’ve
just never had the brain that could work out electronics.
I
once went on a holiday with my friend, Trevor and he had an entire piece of
luggage just devoted to carrying around his must-have gadgets. For staying in
touch with the rest of the world, he explained. Even at school, Trevor was the
guy who had the latest gadgets, the latest Pac-Man, the latest Walkman, the
latest Commodore 64 and push-button phone. Meanwhile, I was still yearning for
the circular dial.
For
this trip, Trevor brought along a complete arsenal of hi-technology that could
easily double as props for a Michael Bay movie. There was the handphone, but
this one could shoot an entire movie and came with a wireless ear-plug that
looked like a souped-up hearing aid. Then there was the laptop that mad binging
noises every time something exciting, like an email, happened. Then, there was
the Kindle. And an iPod. And a pair of noise-cancelling earphones to drown out
exterior sounds like the airplane drone and my plaintive pleas to explain how
the thing worked.
And
nothing is more exciting than arriving at the hotel to find there aren’t enough
sockets to plug in all the chargers for all the gadgets. You would think, would
you not, that in this day and age of multi-tasking that there would be one
charger for everything? But, no. Each and every gadget had its own loop and
tangle of wires, plugs, spare batteries and clunky adaptors.
“Why
do you need all this stuff?” I asked, watching Trevor unpack with the military
precision of an ex-SAS commando. “What could possibly happen to the world that
you won’t find out about in 6 o’clock news?”
“I’m
supposed to explain this to someone who is still struggling with predictive
text?” came the gruff reply. I sulked for the rest of the day.
Which
explains why I wanted the iPad Air so badly. I needed it like a cow needs to be
milked. Because it promised to deliver me from my electronic ignorance. Because
even old people could use it!
I
got a pair of socks and a 2014 diary from Popular Bookshop.
It’s
no wonder Saffy, Amanda and I are barely talking to one another.
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