Show Time

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I tell myself it’s because it’s good, but even that sounds really hollow. The truth is, it’s just about the most stressful thing ever. On a scale of one to ten, with one being wiped down by a moist towelette and ten having root canal and you’re all tense and your butt is clenched so tight you could almost feel your insides being sucked out, this one is kind of off the chart stressful.

            I am, of course, talking about the new TV show, ‘The Following’.

            Regular readers will know that I don’t have a spare minute these days. I have so many shows backed up on my recorder that pretty soon, I’ll have to get a new one to catch the overflow.

            But I blame Sharyn for this. She is the one who put me onto what is probably the most horrifically addictive show ever.

            “Wah lau, eh!” she said a few weeks ago, her glasses fogging over with excitement. “So damn good, that show. Ay, you must watch, ok? Got that Lohman in it and that ‘Foot-luce’ guy oh-so!”

            I looked up from my sugar cane juice. “What Lohman?”

            “There…dat very han-sum general in dat show ‘Loam’! Hiyah, they got all dat sex and blood and gla-di-ator! And dey always naked, one, and always have sex in pah-blic!”

            It took a moment, but the penny finally dropped. “Oh, Roman! You mean ‘Rome’!”

            “Yah, lah, that’s what I said!”

            Saffy says that she would have been able to decipher Sharyn’s cryptic Singlish in a second if only she’d been present.

            “She must mean James Purefoy. Oh my God.” Saffy’s bosom inflated with ancient lust. “I’ll never forget that full frontal nude moment when he was all oiled up and being scraped down by the slave! He’s in ‘The Following’? Oooh, we must watch it!”
            “Especially if it’s got Kevin Bacon in it!” Amanda sighed. “Do you remember when he was in that movie ‘Wild’ something or other?”

            “Another historic full frontal nude moment!” Saffy sighed. “Why can’t I meet men like that?”

            So, anyway, one night, not so long ago, we sat down and watched the first episode of ‘The Following’. In a nutshell, it’s about a serial killer played by James Purefoy and his sadistic followers who are being hunted by Kevin Bacon.

            There’s lots of blood and guts and some very sick twisted people you don’t ever want to meet doing sick twisted things to innocent people like you and me.  

Suffice it to say that we were all traumatised. I couldn’t sleep all night and Amanda said that she didn’t think she could trust another living person ever again.

            “They might all be sleeper serial killers!” she whispered over breakfast at Golden Shoe. She looked around wildly, then stared at me. “Even you!”

            “Oh, please,” Saffy huffed. “He practically faints when he’s watching an operation scene in ‘Grey’s Anatomy’. He’d make a lousy serial killer!”

            “Well, maybe it’s all an act?” I said stoutly. “Ever thought of that? Maybe I’m just pretending to be scared of blood but really, I’m a sadistic raving lunatic?”

            Amanda moaned. “Oh, don’t…”

            Saffy snorted. “Uh huh, a sadistic raving lunatic who writes about his flatmates in 8DAYS! That’s a good one!”

            That night, Saffy told Amanda she was going to sleep in Amanda’s bed. “I can’t sleep alone. Not after that show!” Amanda protested feebly, but you could tell she was grateful for the company.

            And of course, we proceeded to download from iTunes the next four episodes and watched them all in one sitting. What should have taken less than four hours ended up taking the whole night because every two minutes, one of us would reach for the remote control to hit the pause button.

            “Oh my God,” Saffy groaned at one stage. “This is so incredibly stressful!”
            “Why are we even watching this?” Amanda said from beneath the fat cushion she clutched to her chest.

            “You just can’t trust anyone!” I breathed. “They’re all crazy!”

            “That’s what I was saying the other day!” Amanda pointed out, only her eyes visible from beneath the cushion.

            What we want to know is how someone like Sharyn seems to be so unaffected by it all.

            “Aiyah, it’s just make-believe one, what!” she chirped this evening when she came over to watch the latest episode.

            “But it’s so sick!” Saffy said.

            “Yah, but so good, right?” Sharyn said, the glare of the TV bouncing off her thick glasses, as she reached for the popcorn.

            And just for a moment, you could see the sudden flare of panic in Amanda’s eyes.